Sorry, I've been away for a while.
Not "away" as in out of town, but away from working on this blog. There are many reasons: we lost power for a couple days, then I got the ‘flu, then we had company, blah blah blah. These are all lame excuses. The pea under the mattress here is that I told a lot of people I was doing this, and then I got scared. It seemed too big, all of a sudden. So as soon as I finished the previous post about staying flexible, I began to stiffen up.
I’ve gotten myself in trouble REPEATEDLY during my life, by aiming myself towards tasks and challenges and lifestyles for which I was simply not suited. “I can do this… ” I think, or more likely “I should do this…”
For instance, take my attempt to be an ordained minister. When I was going through the cancer treatments, my pastor and the chaplain at NIH were incredibly helpful to me. I started to think “I want to help others the way they are helping me!”
I started to volunteer at my church, leading a group of folks who were also dealing with cancer. I found that the reading and reflection on spirituality I did to prepare for the class were the most nourishing aspects of my life. (Note that the actual work with the class wasn’t the part that hooked me.) Long story short, I got myself into seminary and onto the bureaucratic conveyor belt that would take me into ministry. After having lost my previous vision of my future as a Mom in a big family, I had a new and exciting vision of myself as a minister.
Seminary was wonderful. It gave me the time and encouragement to study and think and reflect and philosophize to my heart’s content. However, once that was over I was assigned to a 3-point charge (that’s 3 churches sharing a pastor, for those of you who don’t speak Methodist) in rural Maryland. It was AWFUL. It wasn’t reflecting on spirituality and God – it was committee meetings and arbitrating disputes within the choir and paperwork and Lord help me potluck suppers with multiple Jell-O salads where you had to eat some of everything or people got their noses out of joint. It was parishioners peering into my windows late at night to see why my lights were still on. It was knowing that a certain community leader was a vile SOB to his family, but because I’d been told this in confidence I had to be polite to his face. UGH!
Where had I gone wrong? For one thing, I focused on what I wanted to do, or thought I should do, without considering what I was actually capable of doing. I had appreciated what my chaplain and pastor did for me without understanding what their long days were actually like, and what gifts and strengths they had that let them do the whole of it, not just the part I saw. I completely underestimated my own limitations.
I’m not sorry I tried; it was an incredibly enriching experience. I learned a lot about myself, including my limits. I think I did some good while I was out there trying. I just couldn’t keep it up. And, of course, it was dreadful when I had to bail out: another life dream gone in a puff of smoke.
So, what about now? This sharing of thoughts with you in the blog-o-sphere is MUCH less of a risk, yet I’m stalling and slightly overwhelmed at the idea.
Hmmm. Well, I intend to keep trying, one step at a time. We’ll see what happens!
